Losing the Hate
‘Losing the Hate’ is truly a harrowing story about Simon Palmer’s childhood experiences from the age of 10 when on that fateful day his teacher started to abuse him. Even though it is of a heavy subject matter it is easy to read and gripping - I read it in one day!
You may also be aware that, for 4 years, Simon ran his own forum at LeanOnUs of which he was a moderator. He also shared many extras with us that weren’t included in his book. We were so pleased that he could help others who hadn’t yet reached out for help.
Special thanks to Sye for sharing this with us and his great support to our site and our visitors.
An Elusive Confidence by Simon Palmer
Today, I’m speaking about confidence. (Or the lack of). A lack of confidence is yet another layer of how the effects of child abuse can interfere with a life. But, as well as victims of abuse, there are many people who suffer from this destructive sense of self worth, sometimes with devastating consequences.
Clearly, I shall be speaking from the point of view of an abuse victim, but I do think this post will be of benefit to a much wider group of people.
A Negative Midas Touch
“Everything that I have ever done in my life has either failed miserably, or else it simply has never gotten off the ground. Whenever I attempt to do the most mundane of jobs around the home, it inevitably results in costing me more money than I can afford and having to pay someone to put right the mess that I’ve created.
As far as relationships go, I don’t even try to find someone anymore, because I’m useless at maintaining any sort of long term commitment. In any case, who on earth would ever be seriously interested in the likes of me?
The thought of embarking on a creative idea leaves me feeling dejected and hopelessly lost, mainly due to the fact that no matter how hard I try, I don’t seem to have a creative bone in my body.
Even when people praise me for a job well done, I know they are doing nothing more than trying to make me feel better, mainly out of sheer pity and nothing else…”
Ok, so the above statement is exactly how I felt about myself for many years. As well as being stripped of my dignity, my innocence, and my childhood, I was also devoid of any confidence whatsoever. The more I tried convince myself of the opposite, the worse it seemed to become. Of course, the more I felt inadequate, the more embarrassed I became. And inevitably, my embarrassment made me angry, and thus the violence erupted.
I think, for me, it all stemmed from the fact that I didn’t trust anyone, and because of that, I truly didn’t believe them when they praised me for positive things I’d done. Even today, there are times when I feel this way about my book. How could someone like me ever write something of such importance? Thankfully, I have a fantastic woman who will always speak her mind, “Pull yourself up and regroup” and it’s then that I know I’m being rather silly.
In my opinion, trust others when they tell you when you’ve achieved something… but most of all, trust in yourself.
I have always written, starting off as a poet, before deciding to put pen to paper and tell the world of my secret experiences as an abused child. I kept my abusers from the world, carrying the full burden on my shoulders. My escape for many years was drink and drugs; falsely believing that they were my salvation. Once I decided to write my story, the feeling was fantastic, and I honestly felt as though I’d been reborn.
Rather than drift from one place to another, I began to settle, and embarked on a career as a freelance journalist. Since the publication of ‘Losing the Hate’, I have strived in life and am currently working on my second book, Bingo. A fictional book about a lad who finds growing up on a 70’s London council estate hard, following sexual and physical abuse from his stepfather.